China Daily记者的小秘密：新闻报道是如何写成的丨达人分享

本文转自焕然一新的唯美中英文，已获授权

人们常说，新闻是历史的初稿（Journalism is the first rough draft of history)。对这句话新闻记者是又爱又恨。爱的是，能像太史董狐秉笔直书，幸莫大焉；恨的是，率尔操觚，写出来的初稿，很可能是次品、废品，因为截稿时间（deadline） 在那里虎视眈眈，容不得你精雕细琢，构思与推敲。

闲话少说，今天说说我最近的一篇有关回忆卡斯特罗的记者手记。

一、截稿时间：编辑部的节奏

话说中国日报（China Daily）的传统，每天傍晚有一个编前会，决定第二天要闻版面的稿件，会议英文专业名字叫 budget meeting。

2016年11月27日星期日，这天是古巴革命领袖卡斯特罗去世消息传来的第二天（卡斯特罗于当地时间11月25日晚逝世，北京时间比哈瓦那早12小时）。白班主编决定将当天头版的头条用来报道卡斯特罗的"中国情缘"，此外编发一组有关卡斯特罗的报道，包括一篇记者手记。

会后一小时，即下午5:30，刚给头版写完卡斯特罗的“中国情缘”，美女编辑开始催“手记”了。有点急，但不能在美女面前表现出来。直接上图：

然后给了字数：500字以内。才过了不到半小时，传来消息：手记给了300字的空间，缩水200多哎。这是什么样的减肥节奏啊。教训是：越早交稿，版面越大；越往后，见报空间越小。

汇报一下：最后交稿时间提前了。

二、原文与修改

（Tips: 可以点击图片，然后横屏看……）

看起来有点眼花缭乱吧? 没关系，下面逐段进行比较分析：

1

原文：I was thrilled when I was given an assignment in November 2004 to cover then Chinese president Hu Jintao’s visit to Cuba. I already regretted to have missed out seeing Ernesto "Che" Guevara, the late Argentine revolutionary, in person. How exciting it would be to meet his closest comrade and the magnetic giant of the 20th century!

修改： I was thrilled in 2004 when I was given an assignment to cover President Hu Jintao's visit to Cuba. I had regretted never seeing Ernesto "Che" Guevara, the late revolutionary, in person. How exciting it would be, I thought, to meet his closest comrade and a giant of the 20th century.

点评：（1）手记采用第一人称的写法，第一段从57字变为51字；（2） then Chinese是冗余的词，因为时间已交代是在2004年；（3） regretted to have missed out seeing这个不准确，事实是 never seeing; （4） 形容词magnetic去掉了。尽量少用主观色彩强烈的形容词。

2

原文：A month before the visit, Castro, who was then 78, had had his left knee injured. So I was amazed to see him appear on Nov 22 at a ceremony in the Revolution Palace where he and Hu witnessed the signing of a raft of agreements between Beijing and Havana.

修改：A month before the visit, Fidel Castro, then 78, had injured his left knee, so I was surprised to see him on Nov 22 at a ceremony in the Palace of the Revolution, where he and Hu witnessed the signing of a raft of agreements between Beijing and Havana.

点评：（1）注意革命宫的英文表达；（2） 这句修改很到位：Castro, who was then 78, had had his left knee injured. 11个单词，外籍编辑改为9个单词：Fidel Castro, then 78, had injured his left knee。

3

原文：I stood a dozen meters from Castro. He wore a dark suit with a red tie, and sitting on an armchair, he rested his left leg on a cloth cushion. He was tall and thin, with, however, a pair of gleaming, penetrating eyes. His signature long black beard, as I had seen on TV, had now turned a wispy gray. He would occasionally poke through it with his blue-veined hand.

修改：I stood just meters from Castro. He wore a dark suit and red tie, and was seated in an armchair, with his leg resting on a cloth cushion. He was tall and thin, and had gleaming, penetrating eyes. His signature long, black beard had turned a wispy gray.

点评：（1）a dozen meters 改成了 just meters 显得更近；（2）注意 sit 与 seat 的用法：坐在哪里用 be seated in 是正确的地道的用法；（3）signature 这个词在 Times, The Economist 等杂志中较常见，很多中国人不见得会恰当使用；（4）He would occasionally poke through it with his blue-veined hand.这句话也是很好的细节，因版面限制删掉了，很可惜。

4

原文：When the agreement about China-Cuba cooperation on mineral resources was being read, Castro raised his index finger slowly to the notice of his colleagues; and when the signing was finished, he jerked his finger, and then the hall was exploded in ringing applaud. I noticed, too, that Castro had managed to move his left leg, but in vain.

修改：As the agreement about China-Cuba cooperation on mineral resources was read out, Castro slowly raised his index finger, and when the signing was finished, he jerked his index finger and the hall erupted in applause. I noticed, too, that he attempted in vain to move his left leg.

点评：（1）这一段见报前后区别较大。上面的修改不是最终见报的段落。最终见报的这一段，因为版面限制被砍成了这样：As the signing ceremony finished, he jerked his index finger and the hall erupted in applause. I noticed, too, that he attempted in vain to move his left leg.细节与过程都没有了，很可惜。（2）manage 改为 attempt，很好。

5

原文：The next day, however, when the national anthems of the two countries were being played at the hall, I saw Castro push himself against the armchair, and with the help of a walking stick, he stood up by himself, the first time since the leg injury had made him chair-bound. He delivered a pounding speech at the hall, hailing the brotherly relations between China and Cuba, and said to the extent that China was the hope of the world.

修改： The next day, when the countries' national anthems were played at the hall, I saw Castro push himself against the armchair and, with the help of a walking stick, he stood for the first time since his injury. He went on to deliver a pounding speech, hailing the brotherly relations between China and Cuba.

点评：（1）and后面的标点符号的打法，这个是地道英语标点，我们该学习：I saw Castro push himself against the armchair, and with the help of……改为了：I saw Castro push himself against the armchair and, with the help of……（2）修改版将“受伤”用名词来表达，省了很多单词，而且去掉了armchair-bound——这是显而易见的，前文有交代。这也达到了简洁的目的。

6

原文：I visited Cuba again on September 25. This time I didn’t have a chance of meeting Castro. But at the Hotel Nacional de Cuba, I saw a huge picture of the rugged look of a soldier fighting in Cuba's eastern Sierra Maestra mountains.

修改：I visited Cuba again on Sept 25 this year. This time, I didn't have an opportunity to see Castro. But at the Hotel Nacional de Cuba, I noticed a huge picture of him as a rugged soldier fighting in the eastern Sierra Maestra mountains.

点评：September 25 改为 Sept 25 this year，既是 style 的要求，也更清楚，因为前面提到了一个2004年。

7

原文：I believe this picture would always remain in the memory of many people in Havana and beyond.

修改：This picture will remain forever in the memory for people in Havana and beyond.

点评：注意小词的用法：in the memory of …people VS in the memory for people

接下来就是版面完美呈现了，得感谢版面设计编辑刘晨：

版式设计：中国日报发稿部刘晨

中国日报2016年11月28日第三版

就这样，一篇稿子从布置任务，到写作，修改，最后出版，成为了“历史”。

作者介绍：赵焕新，毕业于四川大学，现为中国日报记者。长期从事英文报道、国际传播，亦爱好母语写作，作品多见于《中国日报》、《落基山新闻报》和《人民日报》等。

焕然一新的唯美中英文（ID:gh_d49838389106 ）